I've got some really great shower curtain rings to sell you...

Lately I have noticed there is quite a bit of 'selling' going on.  Whether I need it or not, it is in my face.  Constantly.  Ad nauseum.  A proverbial dead horse.  Beaten.  Until there is nothing left.
And it feels gimmicky.  You know the kind of thing I mean?  Try this new handy housewives helper with thirty different functions.  You'll be glad you did.  (I mean, we have no real proof that it will make your life better or your chores easier, but we just think it will look great in your house.)  And did we mention that "Thirty Helens Agree" that this thing is awesome?  How can you agree with that many nodding 'Helens'?  (Nevermind that we have all those Helens on the payroll and it is their job to agree.)
And it has a cool, gimmicky name also- Helen's Handy-Housewives Helper.  This is way better than the old tool box you keep under your sink with screwdriver, wrench and hammer.  This is new! This is, of course a better way to do things simply because the Helens say it is.

More on this later, I have much to say on the issue of 'selling.'  Right now, I want to sleep.  Not because some know-it-all has told me that research suggests I require the sleep, but because it is past my own personally-prescribed bedtime and I can no longer keep my eyes open.  Until next time, thanks for joining us, Helens!  It is always a pleasure to see you all!!

This is a repost from my FB page...for posterity only

I get a little sad thinking about the ridiculous turmoil around us. When people don't agree, neither side needs to be labeled positive nor negative. These are simply opposing views, which I feel is healthy. I think we can all agree that when you look at a photo of your own children, all you want is the very best for them. When you consider someone's child or their money, you MUST understand that emotions will be high. You don't mess with a mother bear's cubs, so you should tread lightly with human children as well. These are my girls. They belong to Me, Chris and GOD Almighty! I will always have an opinion where their well-being is concerned. I obviously have to tread lightly myself so I don't voice all of my opinions in a public forum; however, I respect those who have chosen to do so. I love my girls so much that I will always try to ask thoughtful questions, consider all angles, observe if necessary and formulate my own conclusions with an open mind.

I call this "Things That Fly"

I shall attempt to ease myself back into writing again by creating a theme for this first post in nearly one year.  The theme is "Things That Fly" only because I began by picking five photographs from this summer and they all had flight in common.   In case some might be wondering about where my writing has been this last year, let me respond by saying that I feel as though someone has absconded with both my creative mind and my initiation skills.  It is rare, of late, that I have had just first of all, time to sit and write, and secondly, the discipline to do so.   But I have noticed that, as the last few months have gone along, I am restless, indecisive and panicking to put words out there.  My mind is in so many places, I am not even sure where to begin.  There is much to tell, yet much to keep close to my vest, simply out of love for others.  Therefore, I must proceed with calculated caution.

Above: Tethered balloons at Lakefest 2013  

This is a great opportunity to visit and talk with people whom you may not see often.  Because I am not myself these days, I lounged on a towel and stayed very close to my children.  I am not quite the conversationalist I would like to be and I avoid people more than I used to.  It is sad, but I have become painfully, socially awkward, much like I used to be prior to my years at college.  For the most part, I am most comfortable with family and close friends, because they are good at making me feel safe.  I realize this part of the story exposes some real vulnerability on my part; this is who I am at this stage of life.  Anyway, my youngest had decided to brave the balloon ride this year.  It was to finally be her year.  Once she got in the basket and she heard the burner, terror set in and she became Edvard Munch's The Scream.  My girlfriend got it on film, but Elena would kill me if the photograph ever made its way onto the internet.

Above: Wild ponies in Corova lending a resting spot for a bird.  

I understand this is not quite symbiosis, but at least the bird has a place to light for a while.  The pony says, "What have you done for me lately?"

The Dude and I own this lovely bit of sand up on the four-wheel-drive area north of Corolla.  We have big dreams of one day building a house there.  It would be a rental property but we would also be able to enjoy it during the year.  It is a nice dream.  When we visit there, it almost seems like it could come true in a heartbeat.  But then we come home to reality and it seems as though the dream might never come to fruition.  Oh well, as Pete quipped in the movie Rudy, "Having dreams is what makes life tolerable." You can see that here--> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdYI9hwf-tk

Above: Osprey with his prey in the dead tree behind our place.

Above: Our nation's bird, The Bald Eagle, in the dead tree behind our place.

That dead tree is quite a hangout for all sorts of birds, especially buzzards and crows.  Occasionally, we have special visitors like ospreys and eagles.  I love where we live, mainly for this reason.  We have wildlife all around our home.  I find it relaxing to watch the turkeys, owls, deer, foxes, bunnies, and, especially, the birds in the dead tree.

Above: Sandpiper (Scolopacidae) at Kill Devil Hills

There is something very amusing about the behavior of the sandpiper.  They skim along the surf there, constantly searching for some piquant treat in the sand.  Then as the tide comes in, they skitter away, just far enough ahead of the water to avoid getting their feathers wet.  It is like a tiny clown act at the circus, yet it is part of the bird's very survival.  This one probably would not appreciate me being amused at his expense, if he were aware of me, 

which he was not.

And so goes the first entry in about one year.  There is not much to tell, other than I remain, and I feel blessed to remain.  Thank you for reading.

Checking in

It's been quite a long time since I produced a blog entry here. Do people even do this anymore? Is the act of jotting down a few thoughts even en vogue these days? I wonder if technology has left me behind, especially since I never even bothered to open a Twitter account and I don't know what any of the little acronyms and symbols mean. Like, when I cruise through Instagram and I see something like #feedyourface, I don't understand what the little pound sign is for. And then I look at some of the other blogs out there and I see how complex they are...do these people have real jobs and kids and other stuff to do?? My little footprint looks so lame over here on blogger. It's more like booger.

Anyway, where have I been for these last months? At the risk of sounding like a "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" report, I'll sum it up like this- I set out with two goals this summer. #1 (and I know what the pound sign means in this context) Spend as much time with Mom as possible without making a nuisance of myself. #2 Spend real quality time with my children and put aside selfish personal pursuits in order to do so. This includes living on FB continuously, blogging, even reading and scrapbooking. I think I accomplished both goals #1 and 2, I even took a poll with my kids. They tell me they had an awesome summer and now they are so excited to be back at school. Yes, there have been brief flashes of inspiration to pull out the laptop and write something...but I simply could not bring myself to turn on the 'hotspot' and pull up my page and do it. If I'm to be totally honest, I think a part of me is running away from my fears and my sadness. I'm not going to dwell on that point here, at least no further than to make another appeal to my friends and readers to continue to lift Mom up in their prayers. I can tell you that we enjoyed some tacos together this evening and three of the the grandkids managed to entertain in their special way... I'll leave that to your imagination.

This school year promises to be a busy one for me and challenging for my girls. The funny thing is, as busy as I know it will be, it doesn't seem to phase me these days. I hope this positive outlook continues despite the few folks who like to fling their negativity around like stinky poo. If you see me, I'll either be smiling or I'll have my focus face on. Focus face doesn't mean I'm unhappy. It only means my head is full of my to do list...so for the love of tacos, don't say something asinine, like "smile Stephanie"- I could smack people for that. Don't ever presume that someone is unhappy and needs you to tell them to smile. Nothing makes me go from a perfectly awesome mood (albeit with a neutral, focus-face) to a totally annoyed condition faster than the directive to smile. How about you go find something productive to do since you are so bored that you have to worry about what my facial expression is. I'm not directing this to you, fine feathered friends and readers; just venting about this little pet peeve of mine. Anyway, back to my point, this is going to be a great school year, I'm positive!

The Dude will be back on stage next month in the lead for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I was not excited about this at all until we sat down and watched the movie together. I must say, it was one of the best movies I've ever seen. I was sad when it ended. So now I'm excited to see how it goes here in our little community theater with hubby as the lead.

One last note: I had the BEST of intentions that I would write this detailed entry on our trip out to Yellowstone and surrounding areas this summer. It never happened. The closest I got was posting some random photos onto FB. I'm attaching a few of my favorite photos from the trip here. Go to Yellowstone. It's awesome. That is all I have on that for now.

...where the evening meal is negotiable if there is one.

A completely irrelevant title for my ramblings. The thing is my kids have fallen in love with Paul Simon's Rhythm of the Saints and for now, they want me to play it every time they are in my car. It's so cute when you realize how cool your kids are. Their taste in music is so like their Dad's it's not funny. And the things I love that he doesn't care for, well they just happen to dislike as well.

I'm sitting here at Duke Radiation Oncology waiting for Mom's appointment and today she has run into a familiar face and she is enjoying a normal conversation with this lovely smiling person. I'm so grateful for friendly people because it makes a difference when sweet people reach out and treat you like a person.

Here, enjoy some of what the kids and I are enjoying!

The Coast

Proof

Yah! We love Paul.

FROG

"Helpless now I stand..." -Hodel

I know that it seems ridiculous, but this may be my favorite photograph ever taken of myself. Of course, it's me pretending to be someone else, and I'm wearing a funny hat, and I'm singing really loudly, which is the only way I know to sing.

Anyway, I feel helpless. I'm guessing this is a natural feeling. Some days I get angry, but mostly I feel helpless. Then I feel guilty for focusing so much on what I'm feeling.

I used to think I was a pretty strong person but nowadays, inside, I'm an emotional train wreck. I do a fairly good job of hiding it and so everybody thinks I'm on the level. Truth be known, I'm just a ball of nerves, rolling down to the bottom of a rocky hill, hoping for a soft splash into a pool. At this point, I'm hoping not to land against a tree or into more turbulent waters (i.e., the Upper Gauley). It's just that none of us knows what to expect out of the situation. With Mom beginning her radiation and chemotherapy drugs tomorrow, I can't help but be scared for what is to come. So many potentials and no certainties. Possible sickness, hair loss, short term memory fails, emotional turmoil, you name it, these things are all looming over us like a giant storm cloud. And are we promised sunshine later? No, I think not. I hate stepping into a giant unknown and I hate it that Mom has to lead the way for us all. She made the comment after her first visit to Duke that although the new cancer center is beautiful, all the people appeared as if they were thrown adrift in a sea without a life-raft; and that she is one of those people. It is the most tragically poetic thing I've ever heard my mother say. I don't want her to feel adrift, and damn it, I don't want to feel that way either.

My good friend, Lucy, whom I love so so dearly, wrote in an IM to me today "FROG" This means "Fully Rely on God" and then she followed it by saying that I WAS strong despite how I was feeling right then. Lucy and her FROG are my inspiration for today's post. Thanks Mrs.Lucy for your continued support and love and prayers.

Step through the door for Normal's room and look around.

It didn't last very long but I was able to catch a glimpse of Normal for a little while. She was playing in her room, in the corner labeled "Crabtree Valley Mall". She was beautiful.

It rained buckets in Raleigh, but we were undeterred because in a mall, you don't much care what the weather is out of doors. My mom had been itching to go shopping at Crabtree for weeks. She seemed to be carefully storing away some extra energy like a hungry squirrel. For us, making a plan like this is a daunting task. It's kind of like holding your breath to dive down into the deep end in hopes to find the ring you just lost 11 ft. down. Who knows what you are liable to come up with. Thanks to a wonderful friend and brother and sister-in-law, my kids were taken care of for the day so I could roll with whatever happened.

Mom and I got a late start due to some fresh-homemade-tiramasu-bearing visitors who had stopped in, (I am absolutely not complaining- you NEVER complain about delicious desserts being delivered to you.) and then we were off.

She wanted to shop; she shopped. She needed some space and independence, I gave it to her, not going too far of course, as I'm horribly protective. She very much blew me away with her ability to be herself. The woman is strong and determined and very much wants to be back to being her. Shopping is a big part of that. Shopping alone, being free to browse where she pleased, is a big part of that. For me, stopping in for a quick snack at Khanki's sushi bar makes Cinco de Mayo totally bearable. I make chit chat everywhere I go, so the chef and I got along famously. All in all, it was the most normal thing I had personally done in a long time. Really since March 23rd...you never completely push your reality out of your thoughts, but it's nice to bury it under receipts and shoes and jewelry and clothes.

Therefore, after 37 years of being on planet earth, I finally understand Retail Therapy.