FROG

"Helpless now I stand..." -Hodel

I know that it seems ridiculous, but this may be my favorite photograph ever taken of myself. Of course, it's me pretending to be someone else, and I'm wearing a funny hat, and I'm singing really loudly, which is the only way I know to sing.

Anyway, I feel helpless. I'm guessing this is a natural feeling. Some days I get angry, but mostly I feel helpless. Then I feel guilty for focusing so much on what I'm feeling.

I used to think I was a pretty strong person but nowadays, inside, I'm an emotional train wreck. I do a fairly good job of hiding it and so everybody thinks I'm on the level. Truth be known, I'm just a ball of nerves, rolling down to the bottom of a rocky hill, hoping for a soft splash into a pool. At this point, I'm hoping not to land against a tree or into more turbulent waters (i.e., the Upper Gauley). It's just that none of us knows what to expect out of the situation. With Mom beginning her radiation and chemotherapy drugs tomorrow, I can't help but be scared for what is to come. So many potentials and no certainties. Possible sickness, hair loss, short term memory fails, emotional turmoil, you name it, these things are all looming over us like a giant storm cloud. And are we promised sunshine later? No, I think not. I hate stepping into a giant unknown and I hate it that Mom has to lead the way for us all. She made the comment after her first visit to Duke that although the new cancer center is beautiful, all the people appeared as if they were thrown adrift in a sea without a life-raft; and that she is one of those people. It is the most tragically poetic thing I've ever heard my mother say. I don't want her to feel adrift, and damn it, I don't want to feel that way either.

My good friend, Lucy, whom I love so so dearly, wrote in an IM to me today "FROG" This means "Fully Rely on God" and then she followed it by saying that I WAS strong despite how I was feeling right then. Lucy and her FROG are my inspiration for today's post. Thanks Mrs.Lucy for your continued support and love and prayers.

Step through the door for Normal's room and look around.

It didn't last very long but I was able to catch a glimpse of Normal for a little while. She was playing in her room, in the corner labeled "Crabtree Valley Mall". She was beautiful.

It rained buckets in Raleigh, but we were undeterred because in a mall, you don't much care what the weather is out of doors. My mom had been itching to go shopping at Crabtree for weeks. She seemed to be carefully storing away some extra energy like a hungry squirrel. For us, making a plan like this is a daunting task. It's kind of like holding your breath to dive down into the deep end in hopes to find the ring you just lost 11 ft. down. Who knows what you are liable to come up with. Thanks to a wonderful friend and brother and sister-in-law, my kids were taken care of for the day so I could roll with whatever happened.

Mom and I got a late start due to some fresh-homemade-tiramasu-bearing visitors who had stopped in, (I am absolutely not complaining- you NEVER complain about delicious desserts being delivered to you.) and then we were off.

She wanted to shop; she shopped. She needed some space and independence, I gave it to her, not going too far of course, as I'm horribly protective. She very much blew me away with her ability to be herself. The woman is strong and determined and very much wants to be back to being her. Shopping is a big part of that. Shopping alone, being free to browse where she pleased, is a big part of that. For me, stopping in for a quick snack at Khanki's sushi bar makes Cinco de Mayo totally bearable. I make chit chat everywhere I go, so the chef and I got along famously. All in all, it was the most normal thing I had personally done in a long time. Really since March 23rd...you never completely push your reality out of your thoughts, but it's nice to bury it under receipts and shoes and jewelry and clothes.

Therefore, after 37 years of being on planet earth, I finally understand Retail Therapy.

Warning: Angry Post Ahead

It's not that there's any new information out there. It's not that something worse has happened. I'm just ANGRY today! I am so angry at this whole cancer thing. I hate it. I hate cancer. I want to kill it. I want it to die and leave my mother, and so many other beautiful people alone! If it were a giant beast lumbering around in my yard, I would go out with a sling blade and hack it to bits and then I would laugh in its mutilated face. I hate you, stupid disease. Die you dirty, sorry, sack of ... well you know the rest.

And this is how it goes. I have a little peace and then I'm sad and then I just want to throw something like a tantrumming child.

I mean, hey, I know we all have to go sometime. But nobody bargains for this crap. What a load of bologna. (As a side, folks may wonder how it is that I can hold my faith in God through this sort of weather. My answer to this is "If I abandon my Lord during a storm, how can I expect Him NOT to abandon me?" I'm angry at mutating glial cells, not God.)

I want use lots of lots of expletives here. I'm used to them shooting out of mouth most anytime; however, it's just not nice to type them here when most anyone can pull it up and read my words. Just know, that today, I'm pretty ticked off at this ridiculous disease and it can kiss my butt.

My, but what indicative eyes you have!

I admit, I had been looking forward to my appointment with the herbalist for the latter half of the week. Maybe it's the novelty of trying a new thing, maybe it's sheer desperation, maybe it's the possibility of being let in on some secret and elusive thing (sort of like having God appear to you in a dream and keeping him to yourself). I couldn't wait to see what photos of each iris might reveal. And so, this is how our visit began. Each eyeball was photographed and inspected in GIANT. My eyes look a little weird all blown up like that, and apparently quite telling. This is called an iridology health analysis.

First on the list of ills- digestion! Apparently what the medical world might call IBS stems from esophageal and colonic inflammation due to my lack of digestion of proteins. Bring on the food enzymes to aid that, reduce my meat a bit and cut out sodas. (Thankfully I get to keep my coffee, tea and beer- yay!) To help clean out that ol' colon I'll be taking shots of Whole Leaf Aloe Vera. Okay, that stuff tastes pretty nasty, let me tell you. Later on we'll be looking at probiotics. Next ailment for attention- sinus inflammation! Apparently the Zyrtec I take every night is a futile attempt at guarding against allergies. Here we call on an Echinacea/Goldenseal combination, in mass quantities at first, in order to clean out my head. This ought to make the Dude very happy since he's been complaining about my coughing since day one. Because my lymph nodes have been the dumping ground for all the toxins from sinus infections and infections in my colon, they need to be cleansed as well. Enter special exercises, lots of water and if I choose, massage therapy. In the near future we'll be looking at the thyroid also since Voodoo Guy says he suspects it's low, this can be confirmed with a simple temperature test which I'll be doing at home. More on that in a future post. Perhaps you are curious as to why I bother typing all this in here. It's for me to remember as well as for others who may have similar issues. I don't mind being a reference point if needed. The last issue is the weaning off of the dopamax. Because of the nature of the drug, Voodoo Guy feels I would be better served easing myself off with support from an herb called Lobelia (which would be the spirit world's version of an anti-convulsant I suppose). He's glad I'm no longer on birth-control pills and feels that past long term use has probably done some damage over the years. Several issues were mentioned today, from my migraines to fatigue to the fibrocystic changes in my breast tissue. Wouldn't it be quite amazing if after several months of working with the herbalist, that I begin to feel as though these things weren't really issues any longer? What if the panacea of well-being really exists within that Voodoo Guy's scope of practice? Several people I know swear by his recommendations. I'm an excellent test-case since I generally feel pretty crappy (albeit crappy with a pretty decent attitude). All this took over an hour of consultation today, on a saturday. I didn't have to miss work and I didn't have to sit in a germ-filled waiting room and read tacky magazines or watch Geraldo. He asked questions, he welcomed my questions, he listened, he hugged (we're in the spirit world, they can't see us). It's a totally different experience, that's for darn sure. I'll be updating progress, of course, as a matter of science and health. As always, I appreciate my readers. And I really appreciate my friend C.S. who basically helped convince me to go to the Voodoo Guy. Apparently she's my sponsor and I hope she gets some kind of lovely discount because of it. If anyone else reading this, has similar experiences which may be helpful, I would appreciate a comment below. The majority of people out there may not take any of this seriously, but for me, this is worth a shot... of Aloe Vera drink.

...and now for something completely different?

It's no secret that I've pretty much given up on the dopamax as the answer to my problem. I simply couldn't hack the side effects and I figured out that the reactions to continued migraines while on dopamax is really really ugly. I wake up feeling like I have the flu, I am more nauseated than I've ever been and totally non-functional. During prior migraines, I could at least typically, pull myself together, get the kids ready for school and suffer through the day with the blinding pain. But this can't happen with blinding pain PLUS nausea PLUS shakes (flu-like symptoms). So my low dose of dopamax is not only not helping, but making it worse. Okay, time for a new game plan. Saturday, for let's say giggles, I'm going to see the local voodoo guy, our highly acclaimed herbalist and iridologist. As I have said before, he has a cult following, many a folk doth swear by him. So, we shall see. Stay tuned for a full report. If walking in the spirit world doesn't work, I guess the next stop will be a full-fledged neurologist... The Almighty forbid I actually get an MRI... I hear the knocking now... "Hey Dawg, did you see the size of that chicken?"