FROG

"Helpless now I stand..." -Hodel

I know that it seems ridiculous, but this may be my favorite photograph ever taken of myself. Of course, it's me pretending to be someone else, and I'm wearing a funny hat, and I'm singing really loudly, which is the only way I know to sing.

Anyway, I feel helpless. I'm guessing this is a natural feeling. Some days I get angry, but mostly I feel helpless. Then I feel guilty for focusing so much on what I'm feeling.

I used to think I was a pretty strong person but nowadays, inside, I'm an emotional train wreck. I do a fairly good job of hiding it and so everybody thinks I'm on the level. Truth be known, I'm just a ball of nerves, rolling down to the bottom of a rocky hill, hoping for a soft splash into a pool. At this point, I'm hoping not to land against a tree or into more turbulent waters (i.e., the Upper Gauley). It's just that none of us knows what to expect out of the situation. With Mom beginning her radiation and chemotherapy drugs tomorrow, I can't help but be scared for what is to come. So many potentials and no certainties. Possible sickness, hair loss, short term memory fails, emotional turmoil, you name it, these things are all looming over us like a giant storm cloud. And are we promised sunshine later? No, I think not. I hate stepping into a giant unknown and I hate it that Mom has to lead the way for us all. She made the comment after her first visit to Duke that although the new cancer center is beautiful, all the people appeared as if they were thrown adrift in a sea without a life-raft; and that she is one of those people. It is the most tragically poetic thing I've ever heard my mother say. I don't want her to feel adrift, and damn it, I don't want to feel that way either.

My good friend, Lucy, whom I love so so dearly, wrote in an IM to me today "FROG" This means "Fully Rely on God" and then she followed it by saying that I WAS strong despite how I was feeling right then. Lucy and her FROG are my inspiration for today's post. Thanks Mrs.Lucy for your continued support and love and prayers.

Step through the door for Normal's room and look around.

It didn't last very long but I was able to catch a glimpse of Normal for a little while. She was playing in her room, in the corner labeled "Crabtree Valley Mall". She was beautiful.

It rained buckets in Raleigh, but we were undeterred because in a mall, you don't much care what the weather is out of doors. My mom had been itching to go shopping at Crabtree for weeks. She seemed to be carefully storing away some extra energy like a hungry squirrel. For us, making a plan like this is a daunting task. It's kind of like holding your breath to dive down into the deep end in hopes to find the ring you just lost 11 ft. down. Who knows what you are liable to come up with. Thanks to a wonderful friend and brother and sister-in-law, my kids were taken care of for the day so I could roll with whatever happened.

Mom and I got a late start due to some fresh-homemade-tiramasu-bearing visitors who had stopped in, (I am absolutely not complaining- you NEVER complain about delicious desserts being delivered to you.) and then we were off.

She wanted to shop; she shopped. She needed some space and independence, I gave it to her, not going too far of course, as I'm horribly protective. She very much blew me away with her ability to be herself. The woman is strong and determined and very much wants to be back to being her. Shopping is a big part of that. Shopping alone, being free to browse where she pleased, is a big part of that. For me, stopping in for a quick snack at Khanki's sushi bar makes Cinco de Mayo totally bearable. I make chit chat everywhere I go, so the chef and I got along famously. All in all, it was the most normal thing I had personally done in a long time. Really since March 23rd...you never completely push your reality out of your thoughts, but it's nice to bury it under receipts and shoes and jewelry and clothes.

Therefore, after 37 years of being on planet earth, I finally understand Retail Therapy.

Warning: Angry Post Ahead

It's not that there's any new information out there. It's not that something worse has happened. I'm just ANGRY today! I am so angry at this whole cancer thing. I hate it. I hate cancer. I want to kill it. I want it to die and leave my mother, and so many other beautiful people alone! If it were a giant beast lumbering around in my yard, I would go out with a sling blade and hack it to bits and then I would laugh in its mutilated face. I hate you, stupid disease. Die you dirty, sorry, sack of ... well you know the rest.

And this is how it goes. I have a little peace and then I'm sad and then I just want to throw something like a tantrumming child.

I mean, hey, I know we all have to go sometime. But nobody bargains for this crap. What a load of bologna. (As a side, folks may wonder how it is that I can hold my faith in God through this sort of weather. My answer to this is "If I abandon my Lord during a storm, how can I expect Him NOT to abandon me?" I'm angry at mutating glial cells, not God.)

I want use lots of lots of expletives here. I'm used to them shooting out of mouth most anytime; however, it's just not nice to type them here when most anyone can pull it up and read my words. Just know, that today, I'm pretty ticked off at this ridiculous disease and it can kiss my butt.

Have you ever?

Have you ever stared up to a starry sky?

Last night, after the opening night of Fiddler on the Roof, and after relaxing with a few friends, I looked up at the stars and thanked the Good Lord for such an awesome evening.  Not only did the show go well, but my beautiful Mom was able to come and actually enjoy it.  I had feared and fretted that the stars would not align properly and she wouldn't feel like sitting for a three hour show.  But I fretted for nought. The Lord is SO GOOD!
I had said to myself that if I could get through this one night, with Mom watching, and give her the best performance I personally could give, then the rest of the nights would be a piece of cake.  This remains to be seen of course, but I think I did my very best last night and I enjoyed every second of it.  All day, prior to curtain, I was pumped up, as if on some illicit street drug.  It's amazing what adrenaline can do for you. I felt the way I feel when I reach the end of a tremendous, exhilarating hike in the mountains.  You know, the kind of trail that takes you up and up until you reach a gorgeous hanging lake filled with trout?  That kind of high.

Additionally, I find myself amazed at the talent in the cast and crew of the show.  I find it so cool that I'm working with brilliant actors!  I'm enjoying the experience of acting with my Dad and also pretending to be, what, fifteen?  I pull of fifteen pretty well I think!  Ha!  I don't usually laugh at my own jokes...

Anyway, four more shows.  Prepare to be amazed.  This may be little C'ville, but we put together a killer show!

Musings of a Tired Girl

Mama had said, lying in her ICU bed in Lynchburg, "I want to have a party. I want ya'll to cook some Boston Butts. Everybody bring a dish. And I'm not going to lift a finger! Ha ha ha!" Even in her weakened state, she was party planning. I can tell you, she didn't lift a finger tonight but I suspect she had a mighty fine time. Thankfully, she was having a really good day (as opposed to one of those other days when she was so sleepy she was unable to find a good reason to get out of her chair). So many wonderful people attended her little soiree, from family members to friends to acquaintances just wanting to show support. It was amazing! I felt God's presence in so many of the happenstanceness (I know, not a word, so I made it up) that made up this great event. You know, the kind of random things that made a party memorable and amazing. Mama's cousin, whom I have only seen one other time in my life, just happened to be visiting from Rhode Island and came to be with her tonight. We just happened to have the very best cooks in the world working on those famous Boston Butts. Seeing Mama sitting in the sun, early in the afternoon, shooting the breeze with a small crowd, was a beautiful thing. In her attempt to give a small speech, she brought several of us to tears with two simple sentences. I just can't get over the strength this woman has in the face of adversity. Some of my close friends came and showed their support and so many people said all the right encouraging things. The above photo shows a small amount of the people who came, beginning to line up to eat. There's no telling how many people attended tonight and I am thankful for each one! Mama showed off her appetite for all the wonderful food people brought. Thankfully, she still loves food! She got to sit at the table with her cousins and this seemed to be the best medicine. It's not often you have so many of the extended family all in one place. Some very talented guitar players just happened to pull out their instruments and play as some of us sang along (and then along with that, I was able to pin down my accompanist for an upcoming wedding- yay!). Just when I thought Mama was losing steam, Herbert brought in her baby, Trac the furry maltese, and sat him in her lap. You have never seen such a smile! I guess I never realized how therapeutic a small pooch could be.

I had an inspiring conversation with one of my favorite people and she said to me that on some days I would have 'stand in the gap' when Mama could not. This got me thinking about the Lord and His Miracles, His Greatness and His Grace, His Mercy and His Love. I've always believed in God on some level but I've not always understood many things about God and the mysteries that go along with having a faith in a supreme being. I know some people go to churches where they seem to experience the Spirit on a level I can't quite figure out. They 'lay hands' and they are more verbal than I'm used to. They might 'speak in tongues' and they may even heal the sick right there on the spot. I do not in any way dispute these experiences. I just can't help but wonder why I've not had the gift of the Spirit come on me in a public place like that. It's another mystery. Anyone who knows my own story, which shall not grace this writing, knows that I have my own experience with The Lord. My good friend, Christy and her hubby once told me that I seemed, for a while there, to have a 'direct line to God,' and I absolutely did. Trust me, it's a party line, anybody can call Him on it. And the other mystery to me is how so many wonderful people I know who don't know God and don't believe that a 'Maker' even exists. It is so strange to me how the human race runs the gamut from one extreme to the other. So back to standing in the gap. I came home tonight, tired as I am, and determined to write a blog entry to give my humble perspective on the celebration, found the need to research 'standing in the gap' just a bit. I found several webpages which gave the scripture where it can be found in the Bible and other miscellaneous sites, but the one I really like is this one -> http://www.bible-knowledge.com/tbn-testimony-stand-in-the-gap/ with an amazing testimony illustrating just what 'standing in the gap' even means. So I learned some stuff too and that's always a good thing.

To all the wonderful friends, family, and acquaintances, I just want to say how grateful I am that you attended Mama's party. And didn't she just GLOW, even when she began to get weary!? You all have given her support and encouragement that will continue to carry her in her fight and I can't begin to thank you for that! Wow! What else can I say? And Amen!

Reason #67 why I love spring.

Morning Strut. Spring Gobblers. Love. The last couple of years we have missed our wild turkeys. Dude said he thought the coyotes had eaten all the babies. But this spring, our handsome, bearded Tom and his lady friends have returned. It's a perfect sight, sitting there with your coffee in the morning watching the gobblers walk about. It's not much to write about today, but it's better than writing about my current frustrations. We'll stay on a positive tip. Now if only I had more free moments in the morning to enjoy Tom and the ladies.

Life and How to Live It

LIFE AND HOW TO LIVE IT

I look in all sorts of places for hope these days. Mom's attitude is wonderful; this gives me hope. She gets stronger everyday; this gives me hope. Last night, she said to me on the phone, "I don't think the Physical Therapist had me up walking enough. I'm going to ask for more walking tomorrow." HOPE HOPE HOPE! I must say, my Mom is AWESOME! I found a page today on Duke Hospital's website which I will share right here. It if full of HOPE! I also found an interview with Dr. Friedman at Duke's Brain Tumor Center which gives me HOPE also. When I found out, through my sister, yesterday that Both Dr. Allan Friedman and Dr. Henry Friedman had agreed to take on Mom's case, I began to cry and praise Jesus. The Lord has given us this HOPE!

I went to play practice last night with this praise on my mind and it was a much better practice than the last one, where I became breathless and numb, and angry and hysterical. Mom says she's going to try to come to the opening night and so I have every motivation to be the best Hodel in the world for her.

The above photograph was taken at the Rembrandt exhibit in Raleigh, NC. It was the last excursion she took with her granddaughters (sorry, Bentley probably wouldn't have enjoyed Rembrandt). We took the trip thinking it would be fun before she had her last back surgery. We never dreamed we would be where we are now. I had been kind of dreaming about going to the beach with her and the kids this summer for a long weekend. I'm still holding on to that one, and why not? I haven't been on vacation with Mom in many years. To write off this wish would mean I've given up HOPE, which I'm not.