Warning: Angry Post Ahead

It's not that there's any new information out there. It's not that something worse has happened. I'm just ANGRY today! I am so angry at this whole cancer thing. I hate it. I hate cancer. I want to kill it. I want it to die and leave my mother, and so many other beautiful people alone! If it were a giant beast lumbering around in my yard, I would go out with a sling blade and hack it to bits and then I would laugh in its mutilated face. I hate you, stupid disease. Die you dirty, sorry, sack of ... well you know the rest.

And this is how it goes. I have a little peace and then I'm sad and then I just want to throw something like a tantrumming child.

I mean, hey, I know we all have to go sometime. But nobody bargains for this crap. What a load of bologna. (As a side, folks may wonder how it is that I can hold my faith in God through this sort of weather. My answer to this is "If I abandon my Lord during a storm, how can I expect Him NOT to abandon me?" I'm angry at mutating glial cells, not God.)

I want use lots of lots of expletives here. I'm used to them shooting out of mouth most anytime; however, it's just not nice to type them here when most anyone can pull it up and read my words. Just know, that today, I'm pretty ticked off at this ridiculous disease and it can kiss my butt.

Have you ever?

Have you ever stared up to a starry sky?

Last night, after the opening night of Fiddler on the Roof, and after relaxing with a few friends, I looked up at the stars and thanked the Good Lord for such an awesome evening.  Not only did the show go well, but my beautiful Mom was able to come and actually enjoy it.  I had feared and fretted that the stars would not align properly and she wouldn't feel like sitting for a three hour show.  But I fretted for nought. The Lord is SO GOOD!
I had said to myself that if I could get through this one night, with Mom watching, and give her the best performance I personally could give, then the rest of the nights would be a piece of cake.  This remains to be seen of course, but I think I did my very best last night and I enjoyed every second of it.  All day, prior to curtain, I was pumped up, as if on some illicit street drug.  It's amazing what adrenaline can do for you. I felt the way I feel when I reach the end of a tremendous, exhilarating hike in the mountains.  You know, the kind of trail that takes you up and up until you reach a gorgeous hanging lake filled with trout?  That kind of high.

Additionally, I find myself amazed at the talent in the cast and crew of the show.  I find it so cool that I'm working with brilliant actors!  I'm enjoying the experience of acting with my Dad and also pretending to be, what, fifteen?  I pull of fifteen pretty well I think!  Ha!  I don't usually laugh at my own jokes...

Anyway, four more shows.  Prepare to be amazed.  This may be little C'ville, but we put together a killer show!

Musings of a Tired Girl

Mama had said, lying in her ICU bed in Lynchburg, "I want to have a party. I want ya'll to cook some Boston Butts. Everybody bring a dish. And I'm not going to lift a finger! Ha ha ha!" Even in her weakened state, she was party planning. I can tell you, she didn't lift a finger tonight but I suspect she had a mighty fine time. Thankfully, she was having a really good day (as opposed to one of those other days when she was so sleepy she was unable to find a good reason to get out of her chair). So many wonderful people attended her little soiree, from family members to friends to acquaintances just wanting to show support. It was amazing! I felt God's presence in so many of the happenstanceness (I know, not a word, so I made it up) that made up this great event. You know, the kind of random things that made a party memorable and amazing. Mama's cousin, whom I have only seen one other time in my life, just happened to be visiting from Rhode Island and came to be with her tonight. We just happened to have the very best cooks in the world working on those famous Boston Butts. Seeing Mama sitting in the sun, early in the afternoon, shooting the breeze with a small crowd, was a beautiful thing. In her attempt to give a small speech, she brought several of us to tears with two simple sentences. I just can't get over the strength this woman has in the face of adversity. Some of my close friends came and showed their support and so many people said all the right encouraging things. The above photo shows a small amount of the people who came, beginning to line up to eat. There's no telling how many people attended tonight and I am thankful for each one! Mama showed off her appetite for all the wonderful food people brought. Thankfully, she still loves food! She got to sit at the table with her cousins and this seemed to be the best medicine. It's not often you have so many of the extended family all in one place. Some very talented guitar players just happened to pull out their instruments and play as some of us sang along (and then along with that, I was able to pin down my accompanist for an upcoming wedding- yay!). Just when I thought Mama was losing steam, Herbert brought in her baby, Trac the furry maltese, and sat him in her lap. You have never seen such a smile! I guess I never realized how therapeutic a small pooch could be.

I had an inspiring conversation with one of my favorite people and she said to me that on some days I would have 'stand in the gap' when Mama could not. This got me thinking about the Lord and His Miracles, His Greatness and His Grace, His Mercy and His Love. I've always believed in God on some level but I've not always understood many things about God and the mysteries that go along with having a faith in a supreme being. I know some people go to churches where they seem to experience the Spirit on a level I can't quite figure out. They 'lay hands' and they are more verbal than I'm used to. They might 'speak in tongues' and they may even heal the sick right there on the spot. I do not in any way dispute these experiences. I just can't help but wonder why I've not had the gift of the Spirit come on me in a public place like that. It's another mystery. Anyone who knows my own story, which shall not grace this writing, knows that I have my own experience with The Lord. My good friend, Christy and her hubby once told me that I seemed, for a while there, to have a 'direct line to God,' and I absolutely did. Trust me, it's a party line, anybody can call Him on it. And the other mystery to me is how so many wonderful people I know who don't know God and don't believe that a 'Maker' even exists. It is so strange to me how the human race runs the gamut from one extreme to the other. So back to standing in the gap. I came home tonight, tired as I am, and determined to write a blog entry to give my humble perspective on the celebration, found the need to research 'standing in the gap' just a bit. I found several webpages which gave the scripture where it can be found in the Bible and other miscellaneous sites, but the one I really like is this one -> http://www.bible-knowledge.com/tbn-testimony-stand-in-the-gap/ with an amazing testimony illustrating just what 'standing in the gap' even means. So I learned some stuff too and that's always a good thing.

To all the wonderful friends, family, and acquaintances, I just want to say how grateful I am that you attended Mama's party. And didn't she just GLOW, even when she began to get weary!? You all have given her support and encouragement that will continue to carry her in her fight and I can't begin to thank you for that! Wow! What else can I say? And Amen!

Reason #67 why I love spring.

Morning Strut. Spring Gobblers. Love. The last couple of years we have missed our wild turkeys. Dude said he thought the coyotes had eaten all the babies. But this spring, our handsome, bearded Tom and his lady friends have returned. It's a perfect sight, sitting there with your coffee in the morning watching the gobblers walk about. It's not much to write about today, but it's better than writing about my current frustrations. We'll stay on a positive tip. Now if only I had more free moments in the morning to enjoy Tom and the ladies.

Life and How to Live It

LIFE AND HOW TO LIVE IT

I look in all sorts of places for hope these days. Mom's attitude is wonderful; this gives me hope. She gets stronger everyday; this gives me hope. Last night, she said to me on the phone, "I don't think the Physical Therapist had me up walking enough. I'm going to ask for more walking tomorrow." HOPE HOPE HOPE! I must say, my Mom is AWESOME! I found a page today on Duke Hospital's website which I will share right here. It if full of HOPE! I also found an interview with Dr. Friedman at Duke's Brain Tumor Center which gives me HOPE also. When I found out, through my sister, yesterday that Both Dr. Allan Friedman and Dr. Henry Friedman had agreed to take on Mom's case, I began to cry and praise Jesus. The Lord has given us this HOPE!

I went to play practice last night with this praise on my mind and it was a much better practice than the last one, where I became breathless and numb, and angry and hysterical. Mom says she's going to try to come to the opening night and so I have every motivation to be the best Hodel in the world for her.

The above photograph was taken at the Rembrandt exhibit in Raleigh, NC. It was the last excursion she took with her granddaughters (sorry, Bentley probably wouldn't have enjoyed Rembrandt). We took the trip thinking it would be fun before she had her last back surgery. We never dreamed we would be where we are now. I had been kind of dreaming about going to the beach with her and the kids this summer for a long weekend. I'm still holding on to that one, and why not? I haven't been on vacation with Mom in many years. To write off this wish would mean I've given up HOPE, which I'm not.

The spiderman is having me for dinner tonight.

This is how I imagine I would feel if it were me. Annelise and I were driving home late from the hospital last night and we were jamming The Cure's Disintegration. When Lullaby played, I thought, "yep, that weirdness is just how I'd feel.". Let's face it, I'm known to be weird anyway.

So, with that being said, I'll launch into what parts of the story I can tell. Remember, of course, the last few days are a blur for me as well as for my Mom. I hesitated about writing all this, but I guess it's no different from connecting with people through Caring Bridge. So many people are concerned and I can't thank people enough for their concern, thoughts, prayers and love.

I thank God that she was surrounded by people when the seizures began. After a couple days of waiting and anxiety, an MRI revealed a lesion (later called a mass then finally a tumor) about the size of a 'shooter' marble, what Mom affectionately calls a 'belly buster'. It was located above her right eye on the frontal lobe, a place, the neurologist assures us, that's about the best place for a mass to be.

This news was akin to being punched square in the belly despite two days of personal mental preparation. It was in the midst of my 5 a.m. P90X workout Monday morning that I lost it and began to cry. We had to pause Tony and his maddening routine for a few minutes. I blame this on a well-placed photograph of Mom on the shelf next to the television.

Tuesday was a big day. We bid adieu to Mister Tumor. If I could have au revoir-ed that heifer out a window, I would have. But I couldn't. They had plans for it in Pathology. So we wait. We wait to see what kind of lesionmasstumor we happen to be dealing with. One of the text messages I received Tuesday was a co-worker asking if we had a name for it. I answered back, "George". (see this is what I do in times of duress- make completely inappropriate, irresponsible and ridiculous jokes that no one really appreciates. And yes, I say duress, as I feel psychologically pressured.)

'George' being gone, we await pathology results to know where we go from here. I suppose the answers to this will be fodder for the next entry. Wednesday's follow-up MRI showed that they got it all. There are no residuals of 'George' left thanks to the wonderful Dr. Kucia, a neurosurgeon of epic proportions as far as I'm concerned. However, not all the doctors are in agreement with this interpretation...and so we wait...more.

I just can't say enough good things about this hospital. These are the best doctors and nurses. The neurological ICU is top notch all the way. Hey I can't even complain about the hospital food. I've been making myself some killer salads. Now, Mom proabably will disagree on this point as the Speech Pathologist has only cleared her to eat purée. This is code for 'moosh'. She wasnt nearly thrilled about eating that as we were to see her actually eat today.

Through an acquaintance of Herb, Mom's name was even added to the prayer list at Thomas Road Baptist Church, which I think is über cool. This means several hundreds of people will be lifting her up in prayer, on top of all the people back home already praying.

For anyone reading, thank you for your thoughts, prayers, concern, love and positive energy! No one will ever know how much all the calls, texts and Facebook messages mean to us. Wednesday she said she wants us to cook a pig for a party and she won't lift a finger! I love it! She's ready to party and I hope many of our family and friends can join us when we celebrate her recovery. This is down the road a ways of course, but I look forward to having her return home with us. Please forgive my typos as I'm typing on an iPad and there's a lot going on around me. I refuse to proofread today, so sorry 'bout dat!

Respirations

We spent the better part of the day watching a two-digit number rise and fall. It was sort of like watching a loved one rumble by on a roller coaster. You kind of wave at them as you watch them smile right before they begin to ascend an almost vertical hill. You think, "geez I'm glad I decided not to get on that ride.". But, of course, she never was given a choice about this event. It just was. I had tickets for a seafood boil and oyster fest in the neighboring county. This is another reminder that making plans can sometimes be a foolish endeavor. It's a no-brainier that I would pack my overnight bag and declare that, like a cat, I can sleep anywhere...and so I am. After all, this is my Mom we are talking about. If you are reading this entry and you wonder what's going on, well your guess is as good as mine. All I can really say is, we are in an excellent hospital and we have the best nurses and a neurologist who interned at the Mayo Clinic. Hey, he had me at Mayo. There have been improvements in her status. Mom is basically stable and so we wait for answers. Diagnostics are on-going in a place like this. As I said, we watched numbers most of the day. How are her lungs functioning? Some effort was spent on trying to keep her calm and cool her down when she had a hot flash. And then before I knew it, it's late and official visiting hours are over. Me, I'm working on four hours of sleep so I'm looking forward to melting into this very nice recliner I've picked out for myself. They just had a gunshot wound come in, along with his distraught loved one who speaks loudly to someone on the phone. She's complaining a lot about the messy weather outside and there is some impatience with hospital staff. Her tone is acrid and I hope she doesn't make anymore telephone calls as I don't require her negative energy. I haven't a complaint in the world despite my anxiety over Mom's condition. They are taking good care of her, she is resting, and they take good care of family members as well. I realize that not everyone who might read this is a Christian and may not pray to any deity. I must admit that I have become so accustomed to drawing strength from my Lord Jesus, that I could not imagine traveling this path without Him. I am grateful that, during a time when I tried to walk away from God, he turned out to be relentless in his pursuit of me.