Wednesday, May 9, 2012

FROG

"Helpless now I stand..." -Hodel
I know that it seems ridiculous, but this may be my favorite photograph ever taken of myself. Of course, it's me pretending to be someone else, and I'm wearing a funny hat, and I'm singing really loudly, which is the only way I know to sing.

Anyway, I feel helpless. I'm guessing this is a natural feeling. Some days I get angry, but mostly I feel helpless. Then I feel guilty for focusing so much on what I'm feeling.

I used to think I was a pretty strong person but nowadays, inside, I'm an emotional train wreck. I do a fairly good job of hiding it and so everybody thinks I'm on the level. Truth be known, I'm just a ball of nerves, rolling down to the bottom of a rocky hill, hoping for a soft splash into a pool. At this point, I'm hoping not to land against a tree or into more turbulent waters (i.e., the Upper Gauley). It's just that none of us knows what to expect out of the situation. With Mom beginning her radiation and chemotherapy drugs tomorrow, I can't help but be scared for what is to come. So many potentials and no certainties. Possible sickness, hair loss, short term memory fails, emotional turmoil, you name it, these things are all looming over us like a giant storm cloud. And are we promised sunshine later? No, I think not. I hate stepping into a giant unknown and I hate it that Mom has to lead the way for us all. She made the comment after her first visit to Duke that although the new cancer center is beautiful, all the people appeared as if they were thrown adrift in a sea without a life-raft; and that she is one of those people. It is the most tragically poetic thing I've ever heard my mother say. I don't want her to feel adrift, and damn it, I don't want to feel that way either.
My good friend, Lucy, whom I love so so dearly, wrote in an IM to me today "FROG" This means "Fully Rely on God" and then she followed it by saying that I WAS strong despite how I was feeling right then. Lucy and her FROG are my inspiration for today's post. Thanks Mrs.Lucy for your continued support and love and prayers.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Step through the door for Normal's room and look around.

It didn't last very long but I was able to catch a glimpse of Normal for a little while. She was playing in her room, in the corner labeled "Crabtree Valley Mall". She was beautiful.
It rained buckets in Raleigh, but we were undeterred because in a mall, you don't much care what the weather is out of doors. My mom had been itching to go shopping at Crabtree for weeks. She seemed to be carefully storing away some extra energy like a hungry squirrel. For us, making a plan like this is a daunting task. It's kind of like holding your breath to dive down into the deep end in hopes to find the ring you just lost 11 ft. down. Who knows what you are liable to come up with. Thanks to a wonderful friend and brother and sister-in-law, my kids were taken care of for the day so I could roll with whatever happened.
Mom and I got a late start due to some fresh-homemade-tiramasu-bearing visitors who had stopped in, (I am absolutely not complaining- you NEVER complain about delicious desserts being delivered to you.) and then we were off.
She wanted to shop; she shopped. She needed some space and independence, I gave it to her, not going too far of course, as I'm horribly protective. She very much blew me away with her ability to be herself. The woman is strong and determined and very much wants to be back to being her. Shopping is a big part of that. Shopping alone, being free to browse where she pleased, is a big part of that. For me, stopping in for a quick snack at Khanki's sushi bar makes Cinco de Mayo totally bearable. I make chit chat everywhere I go, so the chef and I got along famously. All in all, it was the most normal thing I had personally done in a long time. Really since March 23rd...you never completely push your reality out of your thoughts, but it's nice to bury it under receipts and shoes and jewelry and clothes.
Therefore, after 37 years of being on planet earth, I finally understand Retail Therapy.